Author Archives: zaxius

I swear I don’t play too many violent video games

First dream, I went into a house with at least one other guy, and I had a gun, and I started shooting bad guys. I was a crack shot and couldn’t miss. I also rarely had to reload, a detail which actually occurred to me during the dream rather than after I woke up. I shot a guy on the stairway to the left, shot some other guys in the house, then went and crouched next to a wall. Some guy poked his head out directly overhead and shot at me, but I shot him too. I must have killed 20 or 30 dudes in that house. Then I went out back and there was a sort of balcony with more people on it that I also shot. Some were on my team, though, like Pete, who I recruited to go back towards the house with a different kind of gun. This was a weird gun you held vertically; it was a few feet high with the trigger at the bottom and the aiming reticle at the top, and the bullets came out the top. On our way back, I realized a lot of the bad guys weren’t all the way dead, but just mostly dead. After taking out a couple people in the house, I saw my cat Carlo poke his head up, and in the dream I had to shoot him too. Then a huge Carlo poked his gigantic head up from inside the house. He was like a big 20-foot-tall boss version of Carlo, and he came outside and swatted me off the balcony.

Second dream, I was talking to JJ. He wanted to assassinate some guy and start a revolution, so I was going to kill the man. I went to Staples Center with Dan and some other people for a game, but I forgot my ticket so I was just standing outside. Then someone came out a side door with no external handle, and as it was swinging shut I snuck in. I had a spear with me, for some reason. I mean, it was for the assassination, but for some reason it was acceptable to have spears at this sporting event. But I came to find out I didn’t want to assassinate this guy after all, so I hung out with Ryan instead. Which might be ironic considering how much he loves revolutions.

The third dream involved another elevator. Someone was trying to kill me this time, but I got him to get in an elevator and sent him down to the ground floor. I had a small revolver in my hand. My friend and I watched these cameras that were mounted above the elevator bank for the guy to come out on the first floor, but he didn’t. Then we heard his voice coming from inside the left elevator, saying angry stuff about how he was going to kill me. I went around the corner to the left and waited for the door to open. When it did, I fired a single shot blindly into the elevator, but heard nothing afterward. I backed up, crouched, and aimed at the corner, waiting, but he never came around. Then I woke up.

Not-So-Pirates of the Caribbean

I was at the beach again, but for once it was bright daytime. The waves were insanely high, like a hundred feet. I want you to take a moment to imagine a hundred-foot wall of water crashing down on the shore in front of you. That’s a ten-story building of water. Just let that sink in.

OK. Now, one of these waves wasn’t crashing. It was like a standing wave of water. On top of this standing wave was a ship, and Costa, Shayne, and I needed to get on board. We were bringing supplies to the ship, so we tied them to ourselves with rope, then dove headfirst into the giant waves. The first time we tumbled back to shore and had to try again; the second time we were successful and the sea swallowed us. We held our breath for a long time, and then the dream cut to the interior of an office building.

I’ve never been to an office that looked like it in real life, but in the dream it was Xandie’s work. Some unknown amount of time had passed and I was looking at a headline on some sort of tablet or e-reader. I expected it to be about people drowning after they tried to swim in hundred-foot surf, but it was just an article congratulating a new executive director at CCEO. Then the headline automatically scrolled to another one congratulating Tiffany on her recent marriage. Then Sammy Razon was there, and she worked there, and we were all talking about the dogs their family used to have. In the dream, though, the dogs looked different and had different names than in real life. Rick Crespo also worked there, and he asked me for the keys to the ship from the first part of the dream because he wanted to check if everyone had made it OK. At this point I hadn’t gone with Costa and Shayne to the ship; I had just been observing. I gave Rick the keys, then decided to accompany him.

Cut to the interior of the ship, where Costa and a fat Latino man (I guess he replaced Shayne?) were sitting languidly on the floor. Someone who’d been on the ship when they’d boarded it was milling around doing chores, not really paying the intruders any mind. Now it became clear that in the beginning, they weren’t actually “bringing supplies” in the sense of being helpful, but rather they were bringing food for themselves to subsist on once they commandeered the ship. But when Costa told the Latino guy to “do it,” meaning, I assume, to seize control of the ship, the Latino guy simply said, “We are not pirates. We just want to go home.” The scene faded out and back in; same room, same people. Now there was a pile of beans and rice on the floor, the food Costa and Fat Latino Shayne brought with them, and in voiceover, the Latino man said, “Our food lasted us through the first day…” Quick fade out/in; the pile of beans and rice was smaller. “…And the second…” Fade. Much smaller pile. “…And the tenth…” Fade. Now the pile was gone. Costa and Fat Latino Shayne were eating pizza, but it was their last food. The crew of the ship didn’t share any of their food with them.

Out of the blue, one of the crew members picked up an old 18th-century pistol that was chained to the wall and said it was what they put in the mouths of people who didn’t do their chores. Costa had a pistol of his own, which he fired through an open window into the water. The rest of the crew was outside, including the captain, whose face I saw when he heard the shot. He assumed the worst and ran back inside, along with the rest of the crew. The end.

Drew Brees and log cabins

In the first dream, I was Drew Brees. I’m not sure if I was him the whole time, or if I was just observing for part of the dream (that happens a lot), but anyway, I was slinking through a meadow toward some bad guys, sneaking around their parked cars and trucks. Then they started loosing arrows at me, so I crouched down beside a truck and let an arrow stick in the ground next to me, then crouch-ran around to another truck with a dirt bike in the bed. I think I took a crossbow bolt in the hand at one point, but what do I care? It’s a dream. I lifted the dirt bike out of the bed of the truck and took off across the meadow with the bad guys hard on my heels, dodging arrows and quarrels the whole time. I came to a hill and suddenly there were more people on my “team,” and they were all football players, and the bad guys were now also football players, and one of them fielded a punt and I/Drew Brees said sarcastically, “Good job, buddy,” then continued up the hill on my/his dirt bike.

In the second dream, I was in a log cabin with another guy who was trying to kill me, but I had a rifle and I fended off his attacks from another room. I took him out with a headshot when he peeked around the corner. Then there were other people in the cabin, and we were all teachers talking about our school. The guy I had killed crawled around the corner, and he was a zombie, and I shot him in the head again. Then I shot the remaining six people two at a time by lining up their heads and firing point blank with my rifle. The last guy managed to shoot me in the thigh first. The end.

Bears and hockey

Let me preface this first one by saying that a lot of my dreams take place down the street from my apartment, on the stretch of Beryl from Harkness down to the sea. Except in the dreams it looks different once I get west of Prospect; from there it just slopes straight down to PCH, which in the dreams runs right along the ocean, sort of like the 101 between Carpinteria and Ventura, or the 1 west of Malibu. Anyway, I and a couple other people were in my front yard and there was a bear chasing us. Then suddenly we were at that intersection down the street, in a car stopped at the stop sign on Beryl and Harkness facing east. All the windows were down and the bear was outside the car, trying to get in. I was sitting in the front passenger seat. I tried to roll the windows up, but I didn’t get them up in time and the bear climbed in through one of the driver-side windows. We all scampered out of the car and tried to lock the bear in, but it got out again. That’s it.

The second dream, I was watching Dan play an ice hockey game. It was just a normal game at first, and then some bald ref got beaned in the dome with the puck. They kept playing, and suddenly my cat Phineas was sprawled out on the ice, sliding across it and playing with the puck in his paws the way cats do. All the players stopped playing and crowded around him, commenting on how cute he was. I think it might have been a big version of Finny, too, like a fat tiger, or maybe even bigger. Then Dan revealed that there were monstrous insects and other terrible things waiting for us, and a sudden flash of lightning gave me a glimpse of something awful lurking in the dark recesses around the rink…

The master race

I was in my car on one end of a big field of dead yellow grass, facing across the width of it. I was there for a race, but before it began I would have to switch over to my racecar. Other cars were speeding by in front of me, going from right to left. There was a long wire hooked up to my front axle, and when there was a break in the cars streaming by, the wire was used to quickly pull my car about fifty yards across the field. I was still in control of it, though, and when I got close to the other side a black lady standing there directed me to back into my space, so I spun the wheel and pulled the E-brake and turned 180 degress and slid into a big square parking spot blocked off by hay bales on three sides.

She gave me very specific instructions, but her tone of voice and body language told me she was unsure of herself, like she was reading from a script she didn’t understand (does this remind anyone else of a tech support call to an outsourced call center?) “Unbuckle your seat belt on the right. Comb back your hair with one hand.” Xandie was standing just outside the car, smiling at me supportively. I got out of the car and came around to the back, where the black lady handed me some clothes to change into, starting with my shoes. She tossed a helmet and some other clothes onto the ground as well.

There was a precipice behind my car, so I climbed over the hay bale off to the side where there was a short, uneven stone wall running perpendicularly away from the field. I sat on the wall and began to change my shoes, and suddenly Nico was there sitting next to me, along with another race official. They were discussing how Nico had tried to scale a big tower that was a few hundred feet down the road away from the field. It was also made of stone, like a castle rampart, and at the top on all sides it bulged out so he couldn’t climb any higher. Just below the top, running along the bulged-out rim, was engraved the URL of the race website.

Not that kind of cougar

Dusk was falling as I stepped outside my apartment to tend to the laundry. When I got onto the balcony, I saw a big light-colored cougar lurking at the foot of the stairs. Or a panther, or jaguar. One of the big felids. I started to go down the steps and it turned and ran, but it didn’t move like a big cat. It bounded away like a dog and hurtled the low fence surrounding my building, jumping right past a small child and his mother that were walking by. “This is dangerous, to have that thing loose,” I thought as I frantically tried to open the small side door to my garage so I could get inside where it was safe. When I did I immediately closed the door behind me, as I could see the cougar pacing back and forth just outside the fence, staring at me.

It was hot in there, so of course I decided to hit the button to open the big garage door and let some of the cool evening air in. While I nervously scanned the alleyway for any sign of the creature, I tried to quickly move my laundry over from the washer to the dryer. Again, great decision making on my part. Suddenly the thing was inside the garage with me, circling around me, then attacking, going for my throat. That’s when I woke up, knowing exactly what I’d find when I went back to sleep.

Cookies ‘n Dubstep

First one: I literally only remember one image from this dream, sort of like the snapshot mode your memory goes into when you approach blackout drunk: I was at the beach in a storm. This is a pretty regular dream setup for me, as we’ll see later on.

Second one: I was at an outdoor ice cream store, like in a mall or on a boardwalk. Just a clerk behind a counter, no seating. At this one, though, the clerk was nowhere to be found. I was with Xandie and Ally Nelson. Xandie went off somewhere and Ally and I decided to get some ice cream. Then Xandie came back and I felt bad for not buying her any, but suddenly she had some in her hand. Apparently I didn’t even have mine yet, because every time I went to order Cookies ‘n Cream it disappeared from the menu. Finally a girl popped up from behind a stack of boxes outside the store. She looked at me and said, “Cookies ‘n Cream?” Bewildered, I told her yes, and she went behind the counter and got me some.

Third one: I was with someone else, but I don’t remember who. We were walking in Lompoc by my old house. We came around the corner of Chestnut and T, walking east and then turning south toward my old complex and Bobby’s current house. There was music playing from somewhere, like we were in a movie. In my head I knew the music was dubstep, but I kept listening for the bass to drop and it never did.

Overflowing toilets and fighting robots

First dream: I got out of bed in the morning and went into the bathroom, but I felt an uncomfortable sensation in my bowels, and when I reached down and put a hand there I felt something (intestine? food?) sort of sticking out beneath my skin. I could clearly feel the outline of it protruding. But I couldn’t poop because the toilet was clogged with water and floating pieces of shit almost to the brim. So of course I flushed the toilet and it overflowed everywhere, all over the floor.

For some reason this was Dan’s shit clogging the toilet, so I made him come in and clean it up, even though I was naked. I remember telling him something like, “It won’t kill you to see my dick.” I also remember him making a face as he picked a piece of shit up off the floor with his bare hands. That’s it for the dream, but when I woke up I was lying across a section of bunched-up covers, right on my bowels. So that explains that.


Second dream: I walked with a friend into a crowded theater in the middle of a movie and started talking loudly with him in the back. I shouted something about Real Steel (2011) and fighting robots, and after a minute a theater manager came up to kick us out, and suddenly it wasn’t so much a movie theater as a big arena for giant robots to fight, like in Real Steel. I don’t remember if the manager ended up being a human or a robot, but I think I killed him. We had also imprisoned some people in the back corner of the hallway outside the theater, and we were making them fight one-on-one against the robots.

It came time for a new guy to fight, and the announcer called his name over the loudspeaker. A middle-aged man was released from the holding area in the back and walked over to us. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and he was pretty cut. At the same time, his wife ran up to him, knowing he was about to fight a ten-ton metal robot and probably die, and they shared a long, romantic, sad kiss before I woke up.

An elevator dream

Do you ever have one of those nightmares where you wake up screaming and try to lie there awake as long as you can, with your eyes open, even though you’re a grown man, because you’re scared to go back to sleep?

In this dream, I was in a hotel chasing after someone who had taken an elevator downstairs (I have a lot of dreams about elevators). I got into the empty elevator to go after him, and while I was waiting for the doors to close, the elevator started shaking/sliding almost violently back and forth. “This can’t be good,” I thought.

When the doors closed, sure enough, the elevator went into freefall. I was only going four floors down (this detail is clear in my memory for some reason), but the fall seemed to take at least five or ten seconds. I finally crashed into the ground, breaking both my legs, but of course there was no real pain in the dream. The real fear came from the fact that I was stuck there at night with no one around to help me. I kept looking at my phone and it had no reception. The doors of the elevator had opened, and I could see out into the dark, deserted lobby of the hotel and through the opaque glass door. There was a storm going on outside, and I kept screaming, “Help! HELP! HELP!!!”

After a long time the door opened and I heard someone come in from out of the rain. I thought it was another patron of the hotel, someone who would help me, but instead a shadowy figure swept in and started stabbing me. It was dark except for the occasional flash of lightning outside, and I couldn’t make out much. I just knew he was wearing a cloak, and he was dark, and he was evil, and he wouldn’t stop stabbing me. This is the only dream I can remember where I actually woke up shouting.

Here’s another old one

This is a pretty short one, but it had a big impact on me. Something may have happened in the dream before this (oftentimes I don’t recall the beginnings), but I just remember standing outside in a heavy mist. It was dead silent and the mist was slowly swirling about me, and it was strangely peaceful. I looked up and saw the silent shadow of a MiG jet fly overhead. I knew it was a MiG because of the twin vertical stabilizers near the tail. The shadow flickered across the fog for a few seconds and was gone. Then I looked back down, and from the mist in front of me emerged a beautiful woman with long flowing black hair billowing out around her. I don’t know who she was, but because of the MiG I assume she was a Russian spy. Then I woke up.